I have recently been reading some of Dr Donna Henderson’s work. She is a neurodivergent psychologist and clinical neuropsychologist who has been doing neuropsychological tests for over 30 years. A key marker that she uses to recognise autism in those with less obvious signs is: scripted rules for politeness. In this article I explore what is meant by this—including examples (with one of my own)—why autistic people can develop this trait, the pros and cons of this trait, and how self-knowledge around this can be useful.
“Scripted Rules for Politeness” Explained
Politeness is generally a social nicety. It tends to be quite flexible depending on the person, the situation, the culture and so on. However, for autistic people, it can become a deeply ingrained, rule-governed system.
Here are some examples which are more noticeable:
- Always using the same phrase when greeting someone, whether they are a family member, friend, colleague or boss. For example: “Hello, how are you today”
- Greeting everyone in a room in the same order every time.
- Always saying “excuse me” when passing someone even though it could not be strictly necessary in the situation.
- Over-apologizing so as not to seem impolite.
In some cases, these rules around politeness can be more hidden:
- Refusing to ask for help—even though you are overwhelmed or in need.
- Not interrupting someone during a conversation—even for something important, as you consider it rude.
- Not setting boundaries and always saying yes and therefore taking on too much.
Why We Develop this Rigid System of Rules around Politeness
Firstly, for autistics the social world is incredibly difficult to navigate as the cues and norms don’t come naturally to us and they are very flexible depending on the context. It is confusing and unpredictable. So, we will develop specific rules for social behaviour to bring some order into the chaos. Politeness is one of the easiest areas to identify the rules and create some sense of predictability and stability.
Secondly, having a set of rules reduces the cognitive load during social interactions. It’s one less area to try to assess and navigate.
And then it often results in positive interactions and being accepted. It can help you avoid misunderstandings.
But why are these rules so strict?
- Politeness becomes more than that, it becomes a type of moral code. Remember these are a set of rules and those of us on the spectrum tend to have a very strong sense of justice and right or wrong.
- Without the intuitive understanding of the flexibility of social conventions, these rules are simply applied across the board. And that becomes ingrained.
- Over time you start to associate being polite with being good and accepted. And then we develop the fear that rudeness will lead to being judged or rejected.
The Implications of a Rule-based Politeness System
Often, if we are not able to follow our rules—or even if others don’t follow our rules—we can become highly stressed. Although we may receive the acceptance we long for, we can, in fact, seem odd, passive and sometimes even manipulative—especially if we are not expressing our needs clearly.
Let’s look at some examples that illustrate this double bind—where following our politeness rules makes us seem odd, but breaking them feels morally wrong:
An autistic employee might always address their colleagues with formal titles (e.g., “Mr. Smith” instead of “John”) because their politeness rule dictates that this is respectful. Even if colleagues encourage informality, the employee might find it difficult to deviate from this rule, resulting in colleagues thinking the person is odd or overly formal.
Here’s a rule of mine (and I’m sure many others): When at a social gathering—formal, family, friends—you wait for everyone to be served before eating. Often, when it is casual, the host or others at the table will say “start eating, you don’t have to wait for us”, but that is not my rule—no matter what they have said. As more and more people at the table are served and start eating, I’m thinking: “That is wrong”—it’s a moral code after all—“that is rude”. But then I start to realise that I am starting to look odd by not starting to eat. The urge to mask takes over. I’ll pick up my knife and fork, perhaps put them on the plate; if it is taking a long time, I’ll take a few gentle cuts of the food because breaking the rule is wrong. I think this example shows the huge battle that is the social interaction of an autistic individual.
The rigid nature of these politeness systems becomes clearer when we consider Dr. Henderson’s observation:
‘For many autistic people, politeness is a rule. And rules are not meant to be broken.’
This rule-based approach, while providing stability, creates the very conflicts and stress I experienced at that dinner table.
The rigidity of these rules creates another significant challenge: we may not express our needs or establish boundaries out of fear of not being polite. This leads to more stress and burdens.
Why it is Important to Understand this Autistic Trait
Identifying these scripts brings awareness to the situation and the difficulties we experience and may inadvertently be causing. Just awareness alone can relieve some of the stress. From there, we can experiment with flexibility—either by consciously loosening our rules or by deciding beforehand how we are going to handle challenging situations. For example, before I go to a dinner, I can decide that I will start eating if the host invites me to.
This understanding can be enlightening for those who struggle with boundaries or find themselves constantly overwhelmed by saying yes to everything. When we recognize that our ‘politeness’ might actually be a rigid script that is not always appropriate or the best approach, we create space to ask: What would truly respectful behaviour look like here—for others and for myself?